Ya know, life has its ironies. I'm sure many of you, (the two of you that just happen to read my sad posts) experiences some of your own. Some of them are a slap in the face, others more subtle. I've had a few of each. I'm finding myself in a position to make some decisions. Some that will have lasting effects, others that will be temporary fixes to certain predicaments.
A common thought process that I share, is generally focused on the fact that I am almost 26, and in the single section of life. I realize that there are specific actions that I can take part in that can help enable that process to move forward, but for what ever reason I do not want to. Well, not that I don't want to. Maybe a more correct term would be that I'm afraid to.
I've always been afraid of the "unknown" factor. I can't stand not being able to predict what is going to happen. So what do I do? Revert to me sweet little bubble all alone where I "feel safe".
Hmmmm. Safe. I'm not really safe. I'm even more vulnerable. Because I revert to the safe zone, I become uncivilized and unable to handle any sort of outside contact. If I am approached, I end up sounding like a crazy chimpanzee. I'm unable to form audible, discernible sentences. If it happens to be the male species, I'm done for. Then I flash back to a year and a half ago, and remember what I was doing. I was randomly walking up to people and chatting with them about the meaning of life. I was knocking doors and sharing the faith and life long answers people are searching for. Now, to go back to modern day, I am no longer able to even have the simplest conversations about the weather! It's easy to find excuses and ways to blame others for my actions and lack of skills.
But, ya know what? Its my own dang fault.
I had a wake up of sorts tonight. I was able to see myself as a somewhat normal functioning adult. (oh gosh, I can't believe just how much of an "adult" I really am. I know there are a lot of you much older than myself, but I still cannot believe I am now closer to 26.... I still feel like I am 15. And some will testify that I still act like I am....) I was having a nice chat with a good friend of mine, who just happens to be of the male side, about a mutual love of an up and coming television program. It was funny 'cause I randomly will find myself still reverting back to missionary rules. Example, tonight I was chatting with my friend, we will name him.... Kirby, and after we had been chatting for almost 20 minutes, I realized I had been standing in the doorway the whole time. I had noticed something in the room, but I had just admired it from a far, but as soon as I realized that I could be in the same room with another dude without a female companion I almost jumped right in! Thankfully he is a male and didn't notice my bizarre actions.
Anyway, I have drifted afar from some lasting habits gained as a missionary and I now feel a peace of mind and have realized the mounds of blessings I can receive if I just trust. Story!
So, I heard this once in an Institute class, and I'm going to have to summarize it. It comes from Jeffrey R. Holland's book, Trusting Jesus. A mom was having a bit of a rough day, as most Mom's do, so I'm told :) Her daughter, who was about.... 4-5 years old, noticed her mothers' distraught. She drew some pictures to cheer her up, and brought them over to her mom. Naturally, mom thanks her daughter, and asks her to tell her about the pictures. The sweet little one, says something to the effect of, "Mom this one says, Trust Jesus." Just what this mother needed to hear. So do I. I can't know everything. I can't understand everything. But fortunately, and thankfully, there is someone who does, and who is here to guide me. I just need to trust Him.
Trust. Faith. Courage. Integrity. Strength. All values that we can't grow on our own. I'm learning this. And not in the easiest way. Which, is my own fault. We are taught this as Sunbeams. But do we exercise it? No. We are stubborn children who think we know whats best and do it our own way. And where do we find ourselves? Stuck in the mud. Distraught and alone. So, I'm now reaching out for a hand up out of this mud hole. There is hope. There is always hope.
6 comments:
you are right on so many points so I won't list them but rest assured that you are not the only one who feels awkward and doesn't know what to say.... been there done that and I continue to do it. There is hope and someone will love you for being you, I know it!
Oh how I know what you mean and how you feel!!!
Cousin! You are awesome, and wonderful! You will find someone to love you the way everyone else sees you, and the way Heavenly Father sees you.
I make a fool of myself everyday... haha And I am still so awkward! I love you!
Oh, Monica! When I read your blog posts, I only wish we lived closer and were still good friends. There is so much about you I don't know! :) I know you are a very special person, though, and that people are always blessed to know you.
Hey Girl, Loved this post, it actually made me think alot about my own life. I just turned 26 and as you know still in the "single section." I reall can empathize with you and totally understand how you are feeling. I think for me being single, and seeing a VERY single future ahead is probably the scariest because everyone I know is married, so i don't have any examples. Or the singles that I do know, I really don't want their life so I am very scared to be like them! Something that I tell myself when life gets hard is "God needs you to learn this lesson, so learn it, even if you don't know why." There will be a reason for you heartache in the future. I can't tell you why now, but you will see it later. My only very small bit of wisdom is try to concentrate on what you are doing, and what you are supposed to be doing right now. School! Put your whole heart there, don't worry about having a balanced life, it really isn't possible while going to school, and remember how many lives you will bless through your education.
I do love your musings! you need to talk about these things. I love what your friend CJ said. She is a wise young woman. You do need to focus on improving your life now and continue to have faith in our Lord. He will always take care of you. Easier said than done, I know. You are a strong loving woman and Heavenly Father does have a plan for you.
We will always love you...for the wonderful you!
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